ANTM

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL SPOILERS DEAD AHEAD!

Whitney? You kidding me?!

In fact every single one of the Final Four were entirely duff choices.

Say Whitney had not won (pretty plausible given that her full-figured-and-proud runway walk was an almost exact copy of Toccara’s I-have-crazy-amounts-of-personality-and-also-flail-my-arms walk from season 3 which almost made Janice vomit on her own large-lady hatred) then what? Well, the runner up was Anya. Dear sweet caring utterly incomprehansible Anya, whose Covergirl commercial was pretty much a death-by-posing disaster despite Mr Jay’s assurance to contrary. Honestly, the day that guy’s critique matches reality is the day he stops dressing like a tangerine off to fight in the space wars.

Anyway, given the emphasis on “spokesmodel” the series’ constantly give Anya should have been ousted in week 2. For those not In The Know “spokesmodel” is an entirely fictitious occupation and the weekly mini-challenges which aim to separate the spokesmodels from the chaff seem to be a cross between watching the UN council in session and a shrill E! red carpet interview. One thing’s for damn sure though and that is that I’m not taking the advice of any genetically lucky toothpick on the benefits of dressing for your size so even if “spokesmodels” exist they are singularly useless.

So not Anya. Moving further back we had Fatima from Somalia. Fatima actually missed a photoshoot because she was too stupid to remember that every single cycle has the models travelling abroad and had therefore “misplaced her papers”. Cue an eleventh hour dash to get a replacement passport and arrive back at the airport just in time for Tyra to eliminate a girl who was far prettier so that Fatima could carry on crying in a different continent. (I am fully aware of the poverty and hardship she has suffered but she was also manipulative, rude, insincere, and entered a vapid contest where I allow myself to judge others harshly).

Shall we go back to the third runner-up? Let’s! Well, it’s Dominique. Dominique had the fashion sense of a head louse, referred to herself unrelentingly in the third person, and looked approximately four thousand years old.

So if not any of these ninnies, who? MARVITA, that’s who. She looked at the other girls like she would cut them bad, she had some sort of crazy horse tail mohawk by the end of it and that girl was hella fierce.

I suppose I ought to try and keep things in perspective because it’s only TV but, people, it’s REALITY TV! These people exist! Anya really did get lots of naked challenge prizes. Dominique really is out there looking elderly and drag-tastic. Fatima really does have smaller eyes than Howard Moon… Be afraid, general public.

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